Table of Contents

Grieving

Mother was looking at me. I know, I know that she knew everything, she knew… she knew everything that she said: “Everything is not without compensation, you will pay for it…”
I used to say reproachfully: “What do you mean, mother?” what are you saying? What mistake have I made to pay for it?”
She pressed his lips together and lowered her head. As she sits on the ground, holding the rosary in her hand…
All her existence was blame and reproach towards me. She knew that I knew, she knew… I felt the weight of torment on my mind and conscience. I knew that her words were not full of nonsense, but I shouldn’t have brought it on myself.
Mother cried out: “girl, I have never seen you so cruel and bloodthirsty, how did you do it? how?”
I didn’t answer and shook my head reproachfully, growled under my breath and said: “It’s because of old age and loss of mind…”
But I knew it was a lie. I was deceiving myself, for what? I do not know! Maybe to continue living?!…
It was sunset. I was standing on the porch of my father’s house with an impatience, I saw Mansour. I rubbed my eyes with the palm of my hand, thinking I was seeing wrong. No, he was coming towards me. He touched his long mustache, laughed and said loudly: “What’s up sister? It’s been a long time…? How is Ebi?…“
I shook myself. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead. I leaned on the round plaster column next to my hand, the plaster of which had been tumbled and poured from place to place and was bruised instead of white. How was it possible?! My lower lip was trembling. I could not hear. My teeth were locked together. The crowing of a group of crows could be heard tearing the curtain between dream and reality. I closed my eyes and opened them, there was no trace of Mansour. I stared in front of me, at the place where I had seen the powerful ghost of Mansour a few seconds ago. Suddenly, I heard the sound of slopping and someone’s hand and foot in the pool of water and the noise that broke the prevailing silence. I ran to the pond, Amin was there. Amin, my only son, was struggling between life and death. While playing, his foot slipped and he fell into the pond, and he was flailing and snoring. I was freaking out; I was moaning and scratching my face. I was calling God, but with what face?! There was a flood of tears flowing from my eyes, why was I crying? Didn’t I know that there is nothing wrong with changing things?!
I was kneeling by the pond. I was staring at the water with my eyes closed and watching my son die, fluttering. I was in doubt until I threw myself into the water and paddled to him. – The pond was deep and long and it was freshly painted, the water was smooth and clear. My sweet son, Amin, was floating on the water; his clothes had rippled in the water. I pulled him out of the water, his tension was frozen, and the blood was frozen in his tension. His eyes were closed like Mansour. When I looked at his face, I saw Mansour like an apple cut in half. Amin was associated with Mansour. I looked at the water pond, the water was still and the moss pond was closed all around, it was dirty and smelled, not the clear and clear water that was before…
I was looking for blue. Where was Ebi? This man was not there whenever he wanted. He used to say: “You know, you are asking for a slave, not a husband!”
I used to say in a loud and commanding tone: “That’s enough, shut up… everything you have is because of me… don’t be proud of yourself, if I want, I will throw you out naked.”
He would lower his head, he wanted to say something, I would be silent and wouldn’t let him speak and I would tell him with anger: “watch yourself, are you looking for trouble?”
He used to say loudly: “It’s nothing like I got married! Why are you like this?! At the beginning of your marriage, you were as tame and calm as a lamb.”
I would pat my waist and say with a smile: “It is what it is…”
Later, he stood in front of me – he opened his face, raised his hand and slapped my ear hard, his voice echoed in my head for several days. Why couldn’t I stop him? Ebi, you are one step ahead of me. Stay for now until my turn comes. Instead of crying, I laughed at the slap he gave me and shot him down with a sarcastic look. The poor man didn’t know what I was capable of doing.
I could hear a flirtatious and thin giggle of a woman. I listened carefully, it was coming from the middle of the trees in the garden, and I silently went towards the sound. I hid behind a pine tree and looked through the boxwood. I bit the back of my hand, blood running down my face. He was blue, with his dicey head and bulging belly, sitting next to a young, red-haired, white-haired, rubbed-legged whore. What kind of eyes and eyebrows the woman used to have. They were sitting on the upholstered board in the corner of the garden, and next to them was the luxury wine. They were eating and drinking and giggling and laughing at me. I wanted to go ahead and give him a serious slap on his ear, a pity… I wasn’t one for quarrels and I’m not, I prefer to do things silently.
I was standing there and watching. I’m sick of their making love. I turned my head and stood by the pond.
Dad was standing and said with passion and compassion: “Daughter, why are you jealous? Mansour is your brother, his share is more than yours. You have a husband and children…”
I frowned and said: “No, Father, you always loved him more than me because he is a boy and I…”
He brightened and said: “Wow… I have always given you more, I have not left you less…”
I could hear the voice of prayers and the ear-splitting screams of men and women. I ran to the door, My mother was sitting on the cold stone of the porch, beating her head, pulling her face, and crying loudly.
Father was standing next to me and said in a sad tone filled with tears: “Daughter… my daughter broke my back, I can no longer stand up under the weight of this sadness.”
It made me blush, I could hear his sobbing, he was crying so much that his body was shaking under the pressure of crying.
He said: “I was bent under this burden… I was destroyed… my son, my body was torn apart…”
A heart-wrenching moan came out of his chest, he raised his head towards the sky, he knelt on the ground. He raised his hand to the sky and shouted from the bottom of his heart, “Oh God, get me to my son as soon as possible… Oh God…”
How much the black dress made his tense, he was telling the truth that he had become more bent and thinner. How quickly God answered his prayer before Mansour’s death reaches the 40th day, he also left, had a stroke and passed away…
Again, a group of people carrying a coffin and saying prayers entered. I was standing next to my mother who was lying on the floor of the porch. I was silently staring at the crowd and the coffin they were carrying. The mother moaned silently but no tears flowed from her eyes. Without any tears was shaking. Her lips were dry. Within thirty days, she looked like she was a hundred years. All the hair on his head turned white like flour.
Mother was muttering something as if she was reciting words. Her lips were moving, I couldn’t understand her voice.
Next to her, I tapped on my toe, I said calmly and in a sad tone: “What’s wrong, mother?”
“Did you get what you wanted?”
“What?”
“Everything became yours. All wealth became your share.” She hit his broad thighs with both hands and continued: “Damn the wealth of the world, because a sister did not show mercy to her brother for it… Blood is dripping from this property and house… blood…”
I frowned and said: “What are you saying, mother?!”
“This property is not loyal to you either…”
“Mom, you’re not feeling well, I’ll go get you some water…”
She coughed and moaned: “Just as this property was not faithful to its previous owners; it will not be faithful to you…”
“What are you talking about?”
“This property is from the blood of the people… your father had inherited it from his father… from the blood of the unfortunate serfs that he exploited… it went around until it reached your father… damn the wealth of the world… The blood… it smelled like blood from the beginning… this money, this misfortune, this blood led you astray… it made you a liver-eater… to kill your brother…”
I jumped in the middle of his speech and said: “Mother, people are listening… you are not good, pay attention… what is this nonsense you are saying?”
Amin came next to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said in his childish and sweet tone: “Mother, I’m afraid…”
“Why?”
He pointed to the crowd and started to grind his teeth. I put my palm in front of his eyes so he couldn’t see the people who were carrying father’s coffin, I got up and we turned towards the room. We left the mother alone, I went to the rooms hand in hand with Amin and heard her moaning and cursing from behind me and growled under my breath.
I heard the door closing. I ran from the porch to the door. Ebi was walking hand in hand with a woman towards the middle of the garden.
I shouted: “Hey… are you going to take and bring sluts publicly in front of my eyes?”
He said with a grin: “go away, you weak woman.”
“How dare you…you asshole…”
“You are talking too much… the infertile woman should be silent and not talk too much…”
My tongue got stuck, the words dried up in the back of my throat, I was left with nothing to say. He (Ebi) sharpened the fire of my hatred with his words and behavior. I finally made my decision … I should have done the last thing first. I should have done it, not with controversy…

Pushed me aside and left… hand in hand with the slut… I was watching them from behind. I giggled nervously. I heard him say: “Let her go, she’s crazy…”
He was right, I was crazy. Now that he said this, I should have struck the last blow; I should have finished him like Mansour. I knew what to do. I had tried it before, it worked. A quick and effortless death, no one would doubt it. I have to put some poison in his syrup so that he will go to the afterlife with a stroke. The same poison that I put in Mansour’s syrup, when Mansour drank the syrup, he went out of the house and sat behind the roll and fainted slowly and painlessly in the back of the car. He lost control of the car, his head fell on the steering wheel, he crashed and died instantly. Ebi also syncopated at home, after lunch, during her afternoon nap, no one suspected. By dying, the eternally drunken man cleansed the earth of his evil existence…
The mother said: “Did you see, girl, did you see what God put it in your destiny?”
My eyes were full of tears and I was speechless.
“You will not breed anymore… in a few days, Ebi will abandon you… without a doubt…”
I was staring at her. continued: “There is no problem with something that is exchanged… You will receive from whatever hand you gave… Now, why did you want and want all this money and wealth???…”
She shook her head and wrapped her hands behind her waist and walked away. She was telling the truth that I didn’t have any more children after Amin. I became infertile, the children were leaving me one after the other.
I was standing next to the pond, which was already a deep puddle. I bent down and picked up a small stone from my leg and threw it into the middle of the pond, the stone hit the water and made a sloop sound and regular circles formed around it like the thoughts of my mind…
My mother was standing in front of me, chest to my chest and said: “You fought for nothing, girl… blood… the last blood will curse you… and when you Reawakened, it’s too late.”
Mother was right, I had fought for nothing.
They called from the hospital a few hours ago. Today, mother after a few weeks passed since she was admitted to the hospital, she stopped breathing and died, leaving behind a worn-out body devoid of her soul. I had to go after the funeral work…
I could not drive, my mind was tired and dull and my head was heavy. I was more comfortable with the subway. I was standing at the subway station, I could hear the howl of the train… my four pillars were shaking, my head was burning as if hot lead was being poured into my head and melted. I was staring into the tunnel, the blinding light tearing my eyelids. I could hear the echo of my mother’s voice in my mind, saying: “Blood… this wealth will not be faithful to you either; it smells blood… blood will take damn you. Your hands smells blood…”
The sound was far and near, low and high, extended and reflected. My mouth was dry and it was as if every blood vessel in my brain was breaking apart… my eyes were watering… I was not on my feet. The train was getting closer. I felt weightless and suspended in space, as if the earth was being pulled out from under my feet… I ran, ran… the whistle of the train was getting closer. Everything was happening fast… I jumped in front of the blinding light… People were shouting just like when they were shouting for father and Mansour, like when I was screaming and moaning for Amin, my son, my whole body… Painful wail… everything was a moment… it happened… there was blood, the smell of blood. My blood was the end, the end… I could see Mansour’s face. The same stout young man with a firm chest and broad face and eyes that sparkled with happiness. He came forward and extended his hand to me, laughing and saying: “How old you are, sister! You have skipped fifty-five years…”
He opened his arms… He was calling me to him… Father was also standing next to him and shaking his head. Father said: “Mother is coming today too…”
I heard my mother’s voice. I tilted my head, It was the mother, she was walking hand in hand with Amin. The mother had become young and cheerful, she said with a smile: “Come, dear… come…”
Amin, who was wearing clean and neat clothes, was laughing with enthusiasm, suddenly the laughter dried up on his lips, he said with his own sweetness: “I saw daddy… he was just crying, he is in a bad mood, very bad…”
Suddenly, the white and foggy curtain moved away from my eyes, the whiteness lost its color and was replaced by blackness. It was dark everywhere until my eyes opened, I could hear the voice of Ebi trembling with fear, which was twisting in space and calling me to her… Ebi’s voice and voices far and near, the sound of crying, the ear-splitting screams and moans scratched my soul, my eardrums. He was tearing it and pulling me into him… there was a smell of blood… someone was saying with a rolling voice in his throat, the blood has finally caught you… the end… it was the end.